I thought i don't give a shit about anything; but actually i do, a lot.

My mum used to say that i'm the more easy-going type in the sense whereby i have no opinions about things around me. I couldn't care less about the things happen around me even if it involves me. And that majority of the times, my answers would be "anything".

I always thought that i'm the type of person who doesn't give a shit about anything. Even if i face criticisms, i would simply brush it off like it's nothing. Basically nothing could faze me because i just couldn't care less. Well yeah, i used to be like that because at that point in time, i didn't bother about what others think of me. If there is one thing that i can use to describe how i was like in the past, it would be : A sponge.

Yes, a sponge. 

Why ?

Because a sponge absorbs. It would keep absorbing until it couldn't and when you finally give it a good squeeze, it releases whatever it absorbs and goes back to it's original form.

Well, what do i mean by that ?

When i get criticized or hear something that isn't nice, i listen and accept it. I absorb. I do not retaliate because i simply do not have the courage to do so and i am definitely not the type who wants to attract attention - especially negative attention. Sometimes i'll even laugh it off - because you'll never get hurt if you don't take them seriously. 

When all these negativity accumulates till a point where i could no longer take it, I get angry really easily. My mood goes all down and i start distancing myself from people. This goes on for quite a while, until something triggers me to blow up. Sometimes nothing triggers me, i just break down all of a sudden, cry my heart out, binge eat and sleep a lot.

And then i go back to normal - like nothing has happened before.

This isn't exactly healthy to me mental and emotional health but oh well, this is the only way i can deal with whatever shit that life throws me.

I thought i don't give a shit about anything; but actually i do, a lot.

Despite acting like i'm invincible and that nothing can break me, i in fact, am actually pretty vulnerable and fragile. And being seemingly numb, was just a facade. I brush things off but i actually listen and remember them. I place them at the back of my mind so that i would always be mindful of my flaws and disapprovals from others. These negativity will eventually come knocking on my door whenever i'm at the lowest point of my life. It comes haunting on me.

It then struck me that i actually care a lot about what others say. I really do. I just act like i don't so that whoever who says that would think that their comments don't mean a thing to me and eventually just give up.

"What people don’t seem to realize about the person who cares less or acts like they care less is that they’re usually the one who ends up being hurt the most."

After people get accustomed to the fact that you don't give a shit to whatever they say, they either stop or they continue because they think that you aren't gonna get affected by it. In fact, you do but you can't let them know. You're hurt. You can't take it anymore but you gotta make it seem like none of it is getting to you. Such dilemma isn't it.

I can't tell what sucks more; having feelings or not actually having one.

Because either way, you'll get hurt. 


Till then, xx.

Why

There are many questions that people asks which i could answer like, "hey, why are you so tall". Questions like these are the type of questions that i could answer straight away because i genuinely knew the why and i have also been asked a lot about it.

But there was one that i could never answer at all, despite it being a frequent question asked by my friends and new acquaintances. The question isn't anything hard.  And that is;

"Why are you still single ?"

Whenever people start asking me that, my mind would immediately go blank (i mean it). I would just stare at the person who asked and i could never ever find the correct words or reason to reply. So basically i just stood there like :

My mind would literally go blank because i simply do not know the reason why myself and when they snapped me out of it, all i could reply was "i don't know why either" which is true.

Yeah i know it isn't a very big deal to be single at 19 because at my age, i have much more important things to ponder about, like education and whatsoever. But since my peers around me have either slowly started gotten attached or they've already been in several relationships, while i've never been in one, this question is bound to be asked.

I've always thought that it's my mindset that attributed to me being in the singlehood throughout 19 years of my life. A mindset that i do not need someone to make myself complete, i do not need a man in my life (aside from my dad) because for the fact that i knew or rather i thought that i am independent enough - both emotionally and mentally.

But i was wrong.

My mindset absolutely wasn't the reason - it was just an excuse; an excuse to make myself seem a little less pathetic and a little less vulnerable than i actually am.

I was simply just guarded. 

I have trust issues, i admit. I do not blame anyone but myself - for making dumb decisions throughout my life.

Backtracking to Year 1 in my poly - my freshman year and probably the year where if i could relive and undo all my mistakes, i would. But nevertheless, it's a blessing in disguise.
Like every other freshman in a big school, i was rather introverted because duh at that time, i knew no one at all but i managed to make a few friends and i only kept to that small circle.
But god knows why one day i decided to stay back to hang out with a few guy friends whom i have not talked to at all in class. To cut the long story short, a guy and i immediately hit off really well and we proceeded to text everyday after that. We would greet each other with good morning texts everyday when we woke up and i started thinking that, you know, this could be something... and slowly i developed a liking towards the guy.

One day, i somehow unknowingly made my feelings known to the guy. Here's the thing, he did not say or do anything to signify whether he likes me or not which got me really confused at first. But the naive me was rather happy because it seemed like he didn't reject me ?

Soon, i found out a very horrible truth that things were never as the way i thought they went and i promised myself to never ever believe anything a guy would say to me. My self esteem got really low and i was pretty much sad every single day because that truth, was worse than rejection.

I started asking myself "Why ?" and every single time, the answer would drive down to my looks - that i wasn't pretty enough. Well, of course the whole class knew because i apparently had friends who went around telling people about it which made my confidence level drop lower than it could get.

Just as i was blaming god for this whole chaos in my life, i suddenly thought of something as horrible as this that i did last time. I never believed in karma, but at the moment, i did.

To go back even further, this was in secondary 3. I made a very good guy friend and we hit of really well (again) and yeah we texted and hang out a lot after school because we stayed at the same vicinity. I've  always treated him like a brother because being with him makes me really comfortable. He knew all my flaws and my insecurities because he is a really really good listener. He assured me that he would never make fun of my insecurities.
But, i have never liked him at all. Mind you, i did not have a lot of guy friends at that point in time so i didn't know where to draw the line. Soon enough, he confessed his feelings.

I was happy ? Because i never knew someone would like me, despite knowing every single flaw that i have, despite knowing that i am very lacking in a lot of areas. I never knew someone would choose me and want to be with me because i am simply not one of the best girls out there.

I gave it a thought (i really did) but i rejected him because for a fact that i only see him as a really good friend, like a brother.

That was when the nightmare started.

He started to hate me and tweeted offensive remarks. Everytime i tried to talk to him to get him to remove the tweet, it only gets worse. I wanted him to remove it not because that i was afraid that people would judge me or what because little knew about this, but because i did not want to grow to hate him when his tweets gets worse. I want to stop it while i still can.
Afterall, he is a really good friend that i cherish. I would not want to lose a friend like him. But things got sour between us and we were no longer friends and i no longer wanted to give a damn about whatever he tweets or scolds behind my back.

I thought that that would be the end of this whole saga (because it caused quite a bit of hoohaa) until he started tweet insulting tweets which each and every tweet pointed out the flaws i had which i told him when we were good friends. He knew my insecurities and yet he decided to use it against me to hurt me. It was like personally putting a gun in the hands of a killer.

Not going to say that i have no fault because i am clear that i, do have. In fact, at the start, everything was my fault. I did not know how and where to draw the line and made him mistaken that i would like him back.

And yeah again, my self esteem was really low. Basically my self esteem level dropped really low and it got even lower after that incident in poly. Same thing, i told myself to never let my guard down, never open up too much to people and never trust people. Because who knew, they might use it against you someday.

But fast forward to 2016, today, the guy and i had already made up a long time ago. We've also apologized to each other countless times because both of us simply could not live with the guilt - the guilt that we had once hurt each other.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everybody makes mistakes, we all do. And it's only up to you if you want your mistakes to define you or make you better as a person. I chose to let it define me in the past, which is why i've never really gotten myself out of these incidents because i don't want to put myself in such situations again if it ever happens (i hope not).

Well, technically speaking, yeah these aren't grave mistakes but for someone like me, who cares a lot about how people view me, it's something that i do not want to remember.

Now that i think about it, i guess it's really time to let go and move on. Yes, i would never forget these 2 incidents but purely because i want to keep it as a reminder that i've made such mistakes and i should never repeat them again.

Of course, i would still be guarded - it's in every single girl. It just really depends on how guarded they are on a range of 1 to 10.
I guess i'm a 8 and i have no intentions to ever stop being guarded because i can't and i don't know how.

I've let my guard down countless of times but the result of it was never good, it only made me hate myself for not guarding myself well enough, for letting it down every single time but to only get disappointed.

Being guarded has slowly started to become part of me, my character. 

Maybe one day i will break down the walls i've built but for now, not yet.

Till then, xx.

A little uplate

Hello guys, it's been super long ever since i've had a legit post cos the others are just posts from Thought Catalog. The most recent one was on Cheyenne's 18th birthday which was like what, last year ?

So, i shall update whatever i can remember !

Internship

Yes i have been rather busy because of intern which started on 7th march this year and it spans over a period of 6 months.... (i dug my own grave for this one)
Basically NYP's internship is only for 10 weeks and the remaining weeks, you'll have to work in school for free which is super weird and i obviously didn't like at all. So i thought of joining the Enhanced Internship program where my internship period would be 6 months long and i would be assigned to one of the Big 4 companies (which is duh, a very big plus) but of course, the criteria to enter isn't that easy, well at least for me.

If i didn't remember wrongly about the criteria, my grades have to be really good (obviously) and my gpa has to be 3.2 and above ? Other than that, my mentor also has to have good impression on me in order for them to recommend me for the internship program. For starters, my grades isn't very good at all; i'm just a normal student who gets 1-2 As and the rest are just a mix of B, C and D. And my gpa isn't anywhere near 3.2, if i were to be very honest. So i was a little reluctant to sign up for it because i was so sure that i would be rejected. But my friends encouraged me and i also consulted my parents
and they were all very supportive so yeah, i signed up.

Guess what......I GOT IN ! Super shocked but i was really really happy HAHAH

And my internship journey with one of the Big 4 companies began and i'm glad to say that it has been smooth sailing ever since it started.

Got this text from one of the seniors, whom i haven't worked with before. We were just working on the same company but on different teams. But i was really touched when he encouraged and praised
me. And HAHAH he was joking about me being 不爽 because he always tell me that i seem angry at him.

Alright, enough about internship because yeah, it's getting boring..... HAHA

CNY gathering at Junzhe's

Junzhe invited Cheyenne to his house for CNY gathering and she asked me along since she is the only girl HAHA what a nub so me being a great friend said yes. But HAHAH i also wanted to see some BVSS faces too.

Started gambling with Junzhe Javier Justin Junwei Cheyenne and Kevin till it was night time and we started the mini bbq sesh yum

Pardon me for having such bad quality photos because i uploaded this somewhere else and it affected the quality of the photos :-(

Perks of being the only few girls there (uh there were only 2 girls there la ya; me and cheyenne) : you don't have to do anything because the guys will basically handle everything. Yeah, all i did was sit down and wait for the food to be cooked HAHA

Yangqin's Birthday

Celebrated feg tay's birthday for him and we got him a princess balloon LOL (it's not in the photo but yeah you get the picture)

Ok the pole in the middle is damn weird and i have no idea why we decided to stand there for a photo and wtf the birthday boy dressed like he's going to the market...... but okay we don't blame him because he is oblivious about the whole surprise.

A new phone

Finally got myself to changing my Note 2 for a better one. Yeah yeah a note 2 is really old considering Note 5 is already out on the market for ages. But i just haven't got myself to change it because firstly, i didn't really see the need to ? It's working fine and the phone is still in great condition, just a bit laggy and what not but c'mon, it's a old model. Secondly, i'm saving money for my grad trip to korea with my clique !

I wanted to save with my own money because i'm spending it on myself during the korea trip afterall. And ever since i started working part time jobs, i have never asked for money from my dad whenever i needed money to go out, buy stuffs, to pay my phone bills and any other matters other than school allowances when school starts because i won't be working by then. I used to dislike this whole "being independent' thingy where i pay for my own expenses when i have income because who likes seeing the figures in their bank account drop ? But i'm glad they did now because it taught me the importance of money and it also taught me to save.
My dad also pays for stuffs like braces and lasik (which i'm going to do when i graduate from poly) which are things that i feel isn't a must to do but he encourages me to go for them and he will foot the bill.

So it doesn't make any sense for me to get money from my dad for my own trip but eventually i know, my dad will offer to sponsor part of my trip because he has been doing that whenever my sis goes on trips with her friends. So, i wasn't really keen on spending a few hundreds for a new phone especially when i'm really close to reaching my goal.

So this dragged on for months and i finally got fed up with my phone because the battery drains faster and faster, my phone hangs from time to time and i can't watch a proper video without it freezing the screen and jumping scenes. So i went to contract a new phone and YES my dad offered to pay for the phone which was $500 while i just had to pay the monthly bill. I was super duper happy because i won't need to blow a hole in my bank account ! But of course, this additional $500, that i won't need to spend gets saved up.

Sorry that i side-tracked with my whole saving-up-for-my-grad-trip story HAHAH the phone that i got was Samsung's galaxy S7 in rose gold !

Looks super normal in the picture but i swear the colour is waaaay better in real life okay

That's all for this post for now ! Unbelievable that this post alone took me 2 days to draft it out because this isn't a very long one HAHA but it's okay i'm trying ya

"All you have to do is start taking baby steps and eventually you’ll be making leaps and bounds towards positivity."

Read This Is If You Need To Believe You’re Worth Loving

By Alexandria Brown

I think it’s so important to talk about when you’re struggling. 

Right now I am struggling. I’m struggling with who I am, what I want and what I’m not. I’ve been actually focusing on what I’m not a lot lately and how this makes me feel like I’m not measuring up to other peoples standards. I preach self-love but my own has been wavering lately.

Here’s what I’m not. I’m not ever going to be under 6 feet. I’m never going to be a size 2. I’m never going to be able to deny a hamburger. I’m not the most emotionally open person. I’m not the person who cries at sad endings in movies. I’m not the person who often talks about their vulnerabilities because being vulnerable scares the shit out of me. While this is a pretty small list of things I’m not, I focus on these things on a regular basis like it’s an evil mantra.

How come when things start to get hard or we start to lose our way that we ultimately fall back on a list of things we’re not? How many times have you told yourself you’re not good enough because of this list? If you’re anything like me then it’s a lot. As soon as I start to fall for someone these insecurities start to creep up and fester.

They start to taunt me and tell me that I am not good enough for the person I am interested in.
 

Ultimately these words seep into my conversations and make the other person see the wounds I try to hide under the surface.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Because if you’ve been telling yourself the same mantra for the span of your lifetime then changing that thought pattern is going to be the most difficult thing ever. The good news is that you can change your thought pattern. I know what I’ve just written might seem foreign but it’s true. You can change it. It takes a lot of work but you can do it.

How? Small tweaks to the everyday language that rotates in your mind. When you look in the mirror don’t focus on all the small imperfections but instead focus on everything that you’ve got going on today. Great hair day? Praise yourself. Beautiful smile? Tell yourself out loud. It’s not shallow to give yourself compliments. In fact you should be giving yourself compliments on a regular basis.

I have an alarm that goes off every day at different times that reminds me I’m worth something. Some people would consider it sad that I need to remind myself but like I said it’s hard to undo the negative mantras we’ve been telling ourselves for the last however many years. I also make sure that when that alarm goes off it’s got a song that makes me smile. So today at 2:26 PM I smiled because One Direction’s ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ reminded me I was worth something.

So here’s what I am. I’m smart. I’m funny. I have a mouth as bad as an angry trucker who just got cut off. I love people unconditionally. I have a ton of kinks to workout but I’m dedicated to fixing them. I’m open and understanding. I want people to feel comfortable and encouraged. I listen to people when they’re at their lowest because everyone needs someone to listen without judgement.

We focus so much on what we’re not we forget what we are.
 

I promise you if you start to think about all of the good you have to offer it’ll get easier to silence the voices poisoning you with all the negative. All you have to do is start taking baby steps and eventually you’ll be making leaps and bounds towards positivity.

From : Thought Catalog

Till then, xx.

13 Things People Who Are Tough On the Outside But Soft On the Inside Never Told You  

by Yong Kang Chan

Have you ever met people who are like eggs? They are tough on the outside but soft on the inside. Initially, they seem rather unapproachable and cold, but as you get to know them, you discover that they have a warm side too.

People who are outwardly tough are easily mistaken as rocks. They are respected for their strength and confidence, but at the same time, other people feel intimidated by their achievements or feel incompetent around them. Some might even mistake their confidence as arrogance. They are typically not the first people you approach to be friends with.

However, some of these people have a heart of gold. If you take the time to understand them, you might find a friend for life. Not only are they warm and caring, they have the mental toughness to help you resolve your problems. If you have a friend who is tough on the outside but soft on the inside, treasure them.


Here are 13 things to help you get to know them better, so that you can be better friends with them.

1. They don’t know how to talk about intimate feelings.
Tough people are easily mistaken as cold because they don’t express their feelings much. But it’s not that they don’t have any feelings. It’s just that they find it difficult to express their emotions in words. Don’t force them to talk about their feelings. It’s just not one of their strengths.

2. They are blunt because they care about you.
Tough people have a different approach when it comes to caring for others. They are usually very honest and direct with their words. Sometimes, they may sound harsh and critical. But they are not trying to be mean. They genuinely want to help you. They are just not someone who is soft in their delivery.

3. They get hurt by unkind words too.
Although they are blunt, they mean well. If someone else was to misunderstand their kindness and call them offensive names, they do feel the pain inside. They might act like nothing is wrong on the outside, but it hurts them as much as it hurts you in the inside. They are normal human beings.

4. They don’t listen to your troubles when they know they can’t help you.
Again, it’s not because they don’t care. It’s because they know they can’t help you. They understand that the key to a better life depends on the individual. If you don’t want to change your life for the better, there’s nothing they can do about it. So they don’t waste time listening to you complain about stuff that you don’t wish to change.

5. They have problems too.
They aren’t supermen or wonder women. Just because they are tough doesn’t mean they have no problems at all. They don’t complain and whine to others because they know that complaining and whining don’t help the situation at all. So they prefer to spend time alone thinking how to resolve their problems themselves.

6. They need help from other people too.
Tough people are self-sufficient and independent. They can do a lot of things on their own. But they need help from other people too. Sometimes, they may not know how to approach others or feel shy about asking others for help. As a friend, you should offer them help once in a while even if they are silent about it.

7. They are afraid to appear weak.
One reason why tough people don’t display their emotions publicly is because they are afraid to be seen as weak or pushovers. They are afraid that others might take advantage of their vulnerability, so they prefer to hide their feelings away from public view.

8. They build walls to protect themselves emotionally.
Tough people have their insecurities too. They find it hard to be vulnerable and emotionally close to another person because they might have been hurt by others in the past. So they put on a strong front to protect themselves from getting hurt again.

9. They have a hard time opening up themselves.
They feel deeply but they have a hard time opening up themselves to others. They only open up to friends they trust and keep new people they meet at a safe distance. It takes time for them to trust other people. So be patient with them and allow them to reveal themselves to you slowly.

10. They don’t trust their emotions that much.
Although they are softies inside, they don’t really trust their emotions. They believe that showing emotions is a sign of weakness. They are also afraid that their emotions will guide them wrongly. So they prefer to rely on their logical thinking and mental toughness to make those hard decisions.

11. They are much harder on themselves than on others.
If you think that their expectation of you is high, think of their expectation of themselves. It’s so much higher. As bonding with others wasn’t their best strength growing up, they focus on achievements and working hard instead. Being tough is how they get to where they are in life. They see the value in it, so they keep challenging themselves to higher standards.

12. They take their relationships seriously.
Tough people with a tender heart tend to be selective with their friends and choose their relationships carefully. They have fewer friends but they are close with their friends. They are supportive and loyal to their friends despite appearing uncaring.

13. They need love and connection like everyone else.
They might appear uninterested in love and relationships. But deep down inside, they wish to find a loving partner and want to be loved. They can be really shy about dating. And their independence might push potential partners away. As a friend, be there for them and talk to them when they feel alone.

Conclusion: Be Kind With Tough People
Next time you meet a tough person, be in their shoes and be friendly towards them. Understand that some of them are just protecting their tender hearts with a strong front. And if you are friends with tough people, keep in touch with them. They might be independent, but they need friends too.


From : Thought Catalog

Till then, xx.