But there was one that i could never answer at all, despite it being a frequent question asked by my friends and new acquaintances. The question isn't anything hard. And that is;
"Why are you still single ?"
Whenever people start asking me that, my mind would immediately go blank (i mean it). I would just stare at the person who asked and i could never ever find the correct words or reason to reply. So basically i just stood there like :
My mind would literally go blank because i simply do not know the reason why myself and when they snapped me out of it, all i could reply was "i don't know why either" which is true.
Yeah i know it isn't a very big deal to be single at 19 because at my age, i have much more important things to ponder about, like education and whatsoever. But since my peers around me have either slowly started gotten attached or they've already been in several relationships, while i've never been in one, this question is bound to be asked.
I've always thought that it's my mindset that attributed to me being in the singlehood throughout 19 years of my life. A mindset that i do not need someone to make myself complete, i do not need a man in my life (aside from my dad) because for the fact that i knew or rather i thought that i am independent enough - both emotionally and mentally.
But i was wrong.
My mindset absolutely wasn't the reason - it was just an excuse; an excuse to make myself seem a little less pathetic and a little less vulnerable than i actually am.
I was simply just guarded.
I have trust issues, i admit. I do not blame anyone but myself - for making dumb decisions throughout my life.
Backtracking to Year 1 in my poly - my freshman year and probably the year where if i could relive and undo all my mistakes, i would. But nevertheless, it's a blessing in disguise.
Like every other freshman in a big school, i was rather introverted because duh at that time, i knew no one at all but i managed to make a few friends and i only kept to that small circle.
But god knows why one day i decided to stay back to hang out with a few guy friends whom i have not talked to at all in class. To cut the long story short, a guy and i immediately hit off really well and we proceeded to text everyday after that. We would greet each other with good morning texts everyday when we woke up and i started thinking that, you know, this could be something... and slowly i developed a liking towards the guy.
One day, i somehow unknowingly made my feelings known to the guy. Here's the thing, he did not say or do anything to signify whether he likes me or not which got me really confused at first. But the naive me was rather happy because it seemed like he didn't reject me ?
Soon, i found out a very horrible truth that things were never as the way i thought they went and i promised myself to never ever believe anything a guy would say to me. My self esteem got really low and i was pretty much sad every single day because that truth, was worse than rejection.
I started asking myself "Why ?" and every single time, the answer would drive down to my looks - that i wasn't pretty enough. Well, of course the whole class knew because i apparently had friends who went around telling people about it which made my confidence level drop lower than it could get.
Just as i was blaming god for this whole chaos in my life, i suddenly thought of something as horrible as this that i did last time. I never believed in karma, but at the moment, i did.
To go back even further, this was in secondary 3. I made a very good guy friend and we hit of really well (again) and yeah we texted and hang out a lot after school because we stayed at the same vicinity. I've always treated him like a brother because being with him makes me really comfortable. He knew all my flaws and my insecurities because he is a really really good listener. He assured me that he would never make fun of my insecurities.
But, i have never liked him at all. Mind you, i did not have a lot of guy friends at that point in time so i didn't know where to draw the line. Soon enough, he confessed his feelings.
I was happy ? Because i never knew someone would like me, despite knowing every single flaw that i have, despite knowing that i am very lacking in a lot of areas. I never knew someone would choose me and want to be with me because i am simply not one of the best girls out there.
I gave it a thought (i really did) but i rejected him because for a fact that i only see him as a really good friend, like a brother.
That was when the nightmare started.
He started to hate me and tweeted offensive remarks. Everytime i tried to talk to him to get him to remove the tweet, it only gets worse. I wanted him to remove it not because that i was afraid that people would judge me or what because little knew about this, but because i did not want to grow to hate him when his tweets gets worse. I want to stop it while i still can.
Afterall, he is a really good friend that i cherish. I would not want to lose a friend like him. But things got sour between us and we were no longer friends and i no longer wanted to give a damn about whatever he tweets or scolds behind my back.
I thought that that would be the end of this whole saga (because it caused quite a bit of hoohaa) until he started tweet insulting tweets which each and every tweet pointed out the flaws i had which i told him when we were good friends. He knew my insecurities and yet he decided to use it against me to hurt me. It was like personally putting a gun in the hands of a killer.
Not going to say that i have no fault because i am clear that i, do have. In fact, at the start, everything was my fault. I did not know how and where to draw the line and made him mistaken that i would like him back.
And yeah again, my self esteem was really low. Basically my self esteem level dropped really low and it got even lower after that incident in poly. Same thing, i told myself to never let my guard down, never open up too much to people and never trust people. Because who knew, they might use it against you someday.
But fast forward to 2016, today, the guy and i had already made up a long time ago. We've also apologized to each other countless times because both of us simply could not live with the guilt - the guilt that we had once hurt each other.
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Everybody makes mistakes, we all do. And it's only up to you if you want your mistakes to define you or make you better as a person. I chose to let it define me in the past, which is why i've never really gotten myself out of these incidents because i don't want to put myself in such situations again if it ever happens (i hope not).
Well, technically speaking, yeah these aren't grave mistakes but for someone like me, who cares a lot about how people view me, it's something that i do not want to remember.
Now that i think about it, i guess it's really time to let go and move on. Yes, i would never forget these 2 incidents but purely because i want to keep it as a reminder that i've made such mistakes and i should never repeat them again.
Of course, i would still be guarded - it's in every single girl. It just really depends on how guarded they are on a range of 1 to 10.
I guess i'm a 8 and i have no intentions to ever stop being guarded because i can't and i don't know how.
I've let my guard down countless of times but the result of it was never good, it only made me hate myself for not guarding myself well enough, for letting it down every single time but to only get disappointed.
Being guarded has slowly started to become part of me, my character.
Maybe one day i will break down the walls i've built but for now, not yet.
Till then, xx.
