I always thought that i'm the type of person who doesn't give a shit about anything. Even if i face criticisms, i would simply brush it off like it's nothing. Basically nothing could faze me because i just couldn't care less. Well yeah, i used to be like that because at that point in time, i didn't bother about what others think of me. If there is one thing that i can use to describe how i was like in the past, it would be : A sponge.
Yes, a sponge.
Why ?
Because a sponge absorbs. It would keep absorbing until it couldn't and when you finally give it a good squeeze, it releases whatever it absorbs and goes back to it's original form.
Well, what do i mean by that ?
When i get criticized or hear something that isn't nice, i listen and accept it. I absorb. I do not retaliate because i simply do not have the courage to do so and i am definitely not the type who wants to attract attention - especially negative attention. Sometimes i'll even laugh it off - because you'll never get hurt if you don't take them seriously.
When all these negativity accumulates till a point where i could no longer take it, I get angry really easily. My mood goes all down and i start distancing myself from people. This goes on for quite a while, until something triggers me to blow up. Sometimes nothing triggers me, i just break down all of a sudden, cry my heart out, binge eat and sleep a lot.
And then i go back to normal - like nothing has happened before.
This isn't exactly healthy to me mental and emotional health but oh well, this is the only way i can deal with whatever shit that life throws me.
I thought i don't give a shit about anything; but actually i do, a lot.
Despite acting like i'm invincible and that nothing can break me, i in fact, am actually pretty vulnerable and fragile. And being seemingly numb, was just a facade. I brush things off but i actually listen and remember them. I place them at the back of my mind so that i would always be mindful of my flaws and disapprovals from others. These negativity will eventually come knocking on my door whenever i'm at the lowest point of my life. It comes haunting on me.
It then struck me that i actually care a lot about what others say. I really do. I just act like i don't so that whoever who says that would think that their comments don't mean a thing to me and eventually just give up.
"What people don’t seem to realize about the person who cares less or acts like they care less is that they’re usually the one who ends up being hurt the most."
After people get accustomed to the fact that you don't give a shit to whatever they say, they either stop or they continue because they think that you aren't gonna get affected by it. In fact, you do but you can't let them know. You're hurt. You can't take it anymore but you gotta make it seem like none of it is getting to you. Such dilemma isn't it.
I can't tell what sucks more; having feelings or not actually having one.
Because either way, you'll get hurt.
Till then, xx.
Till then, xx.
