Love wasn't made for me (?)

My first post of 2017 and i shall make it a meaningful one.

This post is about how i fell out of 'love' with someone i thought who loved me;
how i eventually healed and;
that i eventually finally found someone worth loving now, which will be up in a later part.

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My now ex; this guy... let's just call him Y (not the one thats on my instagram now tho)
Y's 22 years old. He's smart, tall and apparently my friends considered him to be good-looking but in all honesty, i don't agree that he is THAT good-looking even though we were seeing each other. He was kinda the type where lots of girls would go for.
We weren't together for a very long time but i regarded him as my ex because at least we went through the dating phase and all ?

Obviously every relationship start out to be sweet. Everything felt alright when i was with him; we went out on dates and spent time with each other whenever he could - he's in university and doesn't have much time to spare. But the time i spent with him was nothing but bliss (at least at that point in time, i felt so.)

But i guess he wasn't as serious as i was because soon after, one of my friend chanced upon him on a dating app even whilst he was exclusively just seeing me. And he claimed to be single on the app, not dating anyone and expressed his interest in my friend as a potential date. Obviously my friend told me about it and i felt cheated. I can easily forgive anything as long as there is a valid reason, but cheating ? or mentally cheating in his case (since he hasn't really went out with her right....) was a no-no and a red flag in our relationship.

Yeah i get that he could just be on the app for fun, to talk to girls. But if you were to put yourself in my shoes, you'd flip.

I eventually confronted him and wanted to end things because i really couldn't stand it. And guess what ? He pushed the blame to me and my friend, saying that he didn't like feeling like he is spied on. Uhm, if you aren't up to any good, you'll won't be worried about stuffs like that right ? He was not apologetic for what he has done and so i ended everything there and then.

Despite feeling hurt and upset, my mind constantly replayed the times when we spent together and the times he told me sweet nothings. It was a mental torture.

A few days later, he asked me to get back together with him and he was apologetic about what he has done. He promised to never do it again and that he sincerely wanted to start afresh with me. I stupidly agreed because i thought "oh he finally realised his mistakes now and he must have really liked me to want to get back with me"

At the start when he wanted to get back together, he was just like the first time we met; caring and sweet. But things were never the same the moment i agreed to get back with him.

He ghosted me for 6 days; i did not hear anything from him for 6 days and when i finally texted him, he told me that he was 'busy'. How do you get so busy to the extend where you can forget about someone you're together with ? He said he wasn't free for 'small talks' so he did not contact me at all. C'mon 6 days? And when i told him that i saw him online for a lot of times (yes, i actually do see if he is online or not - and don't tell me that you won't check him if this happens to you), he said "i was online to reply to chat groups" *rolls eyes*

He never showed a bit of concern for me.

The sweet messages he used to sent turned into 1 word replies/messages.

And those made me realised that i never actually mattered to him. Maybe he just wanted me back because he just needed someone. Maybe he asked to get back because he knows i'd always want him back.

I finally decided to moved on and end things - by ghosting him (since i figured out someone like him didn't need a heads up at all and i didn't want to talk to him anymore)

And the reasons why i managed to move on ?

1) I realised i only liked the idea of him and i grew out of it; He's someone who seems like he has it all - looks, intelligence, physical build but he wasn't a honest person. So eventually the perfect image of him in my eyes eventually shattered.
2) My friends were there for me; they are all busy but still spared time to pick up my phone call at night, listening to me, giving me advice and cheering me up.
3) I found closure.

I think having a closure is really important because that's when someone can finally move on. And i did. I moved on because he betrayed my trust; which is very important between 2 people, so once he screwed up, that's it. 
He no longer put in effort when he realised i wanted him back.
I moved on because i had sufficient reasons to and i don't think people like him deserve another chance. Neither do i want to waste my time on him. And since i grew out of the idea of him, that's when i know i didn't love him. Neither did he, because if he really did love me, he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't go on dating sites, he wouldn't go missing for 6 days and brush me off with 'being busy'.

Once again, he texted me a few days;  

Y : Hey, how are you? 

Me : Good ? 

Y : Oh, Why so awkward ? 

Me : What ?  

Y : Aren't we together ?  

Me : Uh i don't so. I honestly think we should just stop wasting each other's time 

Y : It's because you found another guy huh

That was when i knew i made the right choice of breaking up with him.
Obviously he thinks that the problem doesn't lie with him and instead on me. 

Imagine if i were to continue being together with him ? It would have been a toxic relationship. I'd always have to wonder where he went. I'd constantly questioning my self worth.

I eventually blocked him everywhere on my social media platforms and deleted and block his number on whatsapp because i'd never want anything to do with a deceitful fella like him. As i blocked off all the connections i have with him, i felt liberated that i have finally cut ties with someone like you. If i wasn't rational enough, i would have fallen deeper into this toxic relationship while still being kept in the dark about his misdeeds.

I thought that was the end of it, until he text messaged me on my phone one day. 

I blocked him everywhere which was why he had to resort to text messaging but obviously i'm no longer the naive girl he can throw around whenever he likes.

Once bitten, twice shy.

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When this whole thing ended, i felt like i saw light at the end of the tunnel which was when i really realised how toxic Y was and how i couldn't find comfort in him even during the periods when we were together.

1. He makes me feel intimidated.

Because he always seem so confident and i was someone who's always battling with my insecurities, his presence felt intimidating and uncomfortable. I felt like i always had to put up a front and act like a "proper lady" - i can't make jokes cos he deems it as unladylike. Whenever i face problems or i feel a little emotional somedays, he isn't the one whom i will go to even though people in a relationship will naturally seek help from one another. To him, these are meaningless stuffs and he certainly can't be bothered so all he does is reply "Oh is it ?'/ "Oh i see"/ "Hmm".
How engaging huh.

2. He thinks he isn't the one to blame when it's obviously his. 
Firstly, being on a app seeking potential dates when he was already with me was obviously wrong. He wasn't apologetic at all and even tried to make me guilty by saying that he didn't like being spied on.
Secondly, saying that i'm leaving him because i met another guy and not because im done with his shit ? How disgusting. I left him because he's one hell of a douche bag. And even if i left him for another guy, it was reasonable enough. 

3. He plays with your mind and feelings.

At first, he tries all he can makes you his and while you are happily basking in his pool of sweet talks, he's behind your back finding other girls so he can't pick the best out of the few that has fallen into his traps. While he's getting all of their attention, he neglects you. 

And when you decide to leave, he comes back again and starts assuring you, giving you all his attention, all the sweet words you want to hear. By then, the thoughts of you leaving would have been gone by now.  Then, he goes back again, to getting attention of the other girls and leaving you alone, claiming that he is "busy".

He plays mind games with you because when he's gone, he makes you wonder what he is up to and obviously since you are "infatuated" with him you won't leave right ? Until when your patience is up and he finally comes back to you and give you all this care until you are fully pacified and he goes back to other girls again - that's how he works. He fucks with your mind and your feelings.
I really wonder how many girls have fallen into his traps and i sincerely hope they can snap themselves out of this. 

4. He doesn't make me feel like home.

Having a partner with you should make you feel comfort, love and care but i don't get that out of him at all; well maybe at the start i did. After he makes sure that he's got you, he fully neglects you. He doesn't text you at all because he is 'busy' and because he doesn't have the time for small talks but has the time to reply to chat groups.
Since he doesn't have time to text me and regards texting his partner as having "small talks", i didn't felt any sort of care and concern between us and there was no communication, whats more connection. Once in a while when i tried to text him, i find myself trying to find something to talk to him about. I mean, texting one another sound be easy right ? 

Whenever there is something i want to show him, i ended up not doing it - cos... he's not interested at all right ? And um, i tried but was straight in the face rejected with his apparently uninterested reply. 

With all this, how do i feel comfort with him if he isn't the person that's going to be there for me at my high and low ?  When communication seems like a chore to him ? And when he doesn't have time for you ?

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And i shall leave you with : " A leopard never changes it's spots. " 

No matter how a guy proves to you that he really wants you when you try to leave, trust me, he wouldnt. If he really does love you as he claims, why didn't he treasure you when you stayed ?